Well… it’s happening, due to high demand, and my monstrous ego, I’ve decided to blog. Simply put, I can’t imagine who wouldN’T want to read my crazy antics and get to know the inner-workings of my semi-stable brain. Maybe, you’ll laugh (hopefully, WITH me). Maybe you’ll cry or maybe you’ll get bored. It’s really up to you what you take from this, all I can promise is brutal honesty, a heavy dose of sarcasm, some cuss words (I am who I am, sorry dad), and a little insanity. My mom has also recommended I share some of my recipes.. so maybe that too.
So buckle up, strap in, glue your helmet to your damn head, empty your bladder and do whatever it is that you have to do to prepare for a ride.. a wild ride. A star-studded, bronc bucking, rodeo type of ride… my very favorite type. 💃🏼
2020 was a different kind of ride, like that weird ride in Disney world where they sing that one creepy song and you’re in the dark the whole time? The ride felt like hours, but really it was a few minutes, and the shrill song in the background makes you feel crazy. But at the same time, there were moments like that stupid carnival ride, the Egg Scrambler or whatever, the one that flings your insides into the side the car and bruises your lungs? Then, right when your innards have adjusted to be being slammed into the left side of your body, you whip them HARD to the right; whiplash fashion. Then the ride ends, right before you suffer internal bleeding and lose the last week worth of lunches. And oddly, you sort of had fun.
That was 2020. Mostly not fun, a little bruising, lots of shitty- high pitched songs/whining, but also.. somehow.. okay-ish? I came out alive, I came out healthy, closer to stable than you may have thought, and now… I’m just here to help. ⬇️
Just some “un” recommendations for 2021:
1. Drink a lot of water. Like a lot of water. But don’t drink a gallon of water a day if you are my size/similar size. Trust me, you’ll think inundating your kidneys and liver with love, and nourishing your internals the best way possible, but really… you’re setting yourself up to pee. Like a lot. Like 46 times a day (it seriously happened once). It only took me a week of this fun, before I got smart. DON’T DRINK A GALLON OF WATER A DAY.
2. Don’t vow to make 24 “life-altering, soul-changing, self-loving” actions on social media, then kick off the list with an amazing week long cruise with the Caribbean with all your favorite people. Inevitably, you will dock back at the port, corona virus will be running rampant, and all your soul-nourishing, fun-filled concerts and trips planned for 2020 will be canceled. Life took a dramatic turn, it wasn’t foreseeable.. but still NOT COOL. No one wants to watch you draw a bubble bath, light a candle and tout #selflove for the next 10 months. It’s a bad look. Trust me, I’m talking about me.
3. Don’t decide to change your anxiety meds, based on the recommendation of your Gyno, who’s MUCH more concerned about your nether-regions than your upper half – ya know.. the brain half. There’s the chance that she won’t notice your serotonin deficiency, rip you off all traces of any serotonin, and then make you feel like it’s YOUR fault you’re suddenly unhinged. Actually, learn from me. Don’t change anything that doesn’t need changed – EVER. change is dangerous.
Kidding. I know change is inevitable. But I hate it. It’s okay if you hate it too. I hope for minimal change in 2021 for me.. and for you if that’s what you want.
4. Stop waiting on others. Like.. if you’re sick, and you know your medication is wrong, and your doctor won’t call you back, you don’t have to throw up in trash cans for two months while your “doctor” insists you’re “adjusting”. You’re not adjusting. You’re sick as hell and she may be trying to kill you. If this sounds like it’s getting personal, it was. I’m over it. On a broader scale, just don’t wait on anyone, trust your brain, trust your body. And while I’m on it, stop waiting on those “friends” too. People that want to be around you, don’t make you wait, ever. EVEN IN A PANDEMIC.
5. Be sweet, but not too sweet. Don’t volunteer yourself to all your neighbors to be their pandemic-survival tour guide. Unless you’re a nurse, or a doctor, or a teacher (HINT- I AM NONE OF THE ABOVE), you’ll just end up driving your unknown neighbor’s great-grandma to the emergency room, for COVID-like symptoms, because you suddenly forgot how to say no. Here’s a thought; drop off an extra roll of toilet paper, offer some cans of soup if you have a couple to spare, and MIND YA OWN. don’t take a stranger’s grandma to their death trap. It’s bad for morale.
6. Don’t fail to explain the double-tap favorite trick on Instagram to the unfamiliar. There is NOTHING worse than a stalking situation going awry due to happy thumbs. (Mom, looking at you). Let’s be honest, there is something rewarding about seeing people you kinda hate/kinda love to hate get a little chunky.. but I think you really (ASHLEY- GIVING MYSELF A PERSONAL CALL OUT) need to think about your own quarantine 15, those “a-little-too-tight” jeans, and maskne before you get a little judge-y. I’m gonna go ahead and hop off my 100 pounds of cremated high-horse remains and stay in my own damn lane.
7. Speaking of exercise, you should do it. You should do it in a normal amount. You should commit, like a normal person, to a normal amount of work, that matches your current physical state. HERE’S, WHAT NOT TO DO – join OTF, work out like 900 times harder than you have since like kindergarten p.e., then be shocked when your body immediately rejects your existence. The method is tried and true -IT DOES NOT WORK. bursitis is no joke, and it will scare you out of every working out again, seriously. (See above Quarantine 15 commentary).
8. Don’t get drunk and carry your horse ashes around the house, weeping. At least.. not frequently. Even the world’s most patient dad, gets tired of putting away 100 pounds of ashes every other weekend. I’m gonna be honest, it’s taken me a minute; but those ashes and those tears don’t bring her back. But what I can do, what I should do, and what I think everyone should do, is live life harder, louder, and more lovingly. Learn from me. 100 pounds is a lot of freaking weight to carry around, whether it be the weight of grief, the weight guilt, the weight of paranoia, the weight of shame, 100 pounds of anything is TOO much. Unless you’re Matt, then 100 pounds of Ashley is the EXACT right amount. Drop the weight, sis.
9. Don’t let your 10 pound puppy do anything that you won’t think is adorable when your puppy is suddenly 50 pounds (small head, big butt – opposite of her mother as Matt so kindly reminds me). There’s a reason I wake up to paws on my face and my 100 rottie mix actually thinks she’s a lap dog. I can’t walk into my own damn house, without Lucy demanding a sit down, paws on shoulders, stare down. The queen THRIVES on eye contact. But actually- while I’m on the topic, just don’t let anyone do something to you that’s less than adorable more than once. Rule of thumb, life rule, important notice, WAVING NEON-SIGN OF LOVE FROM ASHLEY, don’t let anyone in 2021 treat you any less than perfectly adorable.
10. Don’t waste toilet paper. The world may shut down again, and if the hoarders get crazy, you’ll be reduced to the WORST brand, tissue paper, even a paper towel, with no end in sight. Don’t hoard it, because that’s real dickish. But also, don’t waste it; because let’s be honest, paper cuts are real.
That’s all I got for you, brought to you from my favorite place in my world, my bed, sandwiched between dogs… aka Heaven or a close enough knock-off for me.
Sunny daze ahead friends, probably. ❤️