Hello, hi, so sorry for your (favorite) bloggerina’s minor disappearance. LOL @ all of you that thought I finally gave up and realized that I suck at blogging or those of you that didn’t realize I was gone at all – surprise, I’M BACK BABY! I’d like to say I’ve been up to something really exciting or that I have some brilliant new life outlook to share with you, but to be honest; I’ve just been super busy. My phone “reminded” me last night that I hadn’t made a blog post in over 10 days. I don’t remember setting this reminder – but it was a good reminder to get. Sunny daze is here to remind me to focus on the sunshine, to make the sunshine, and to be the sunshine, and truly, I’m feeling a bit like a rain cloud these days.
I haven’t been doing as well as I was. I feel myself slipping back into my anxious thoughts, moments of self-doubt, and my old OCD habits are rearing their ugly heads. I’m experiencing a lot of worrying about things I can’t control, gravitating towards other people’s drama (to try to fix it – instead of focusing on fixing my own issues), and just tiredness. I feel incredible burn out: work burn out, friendship burn out, dog parenting burn out, being Ashley Bee burnout. Please don’t interpret this as me being ungrateful for all I have in my life, I know, without a doubt, I am so blessed. Also. please, please don’t take this as a cry for help. I am not suicidal. I’m just feeling… tired, and that’s okay.
Some of it is legitimate: I have fought with the DMV for two months, finally got my truck registered, and walk out to a huge crack on my windshield. Wtf is up with that?! 🤬
My dogs, both Lucy and Zeppelyn, have had a stomach virus from daycare. It has created a mess. We have 90% hardwood floors in our house and 0% of their vomit or poop has made it to the hardwood. They also aren’t sleeping through the night without potty breaks. They don’t want to eat and my brain just feels like it is approximately .0032 seconds away from the “Harley stopped eating, Harley threw up, Harley got cancer, Harley died 7 days later” spiral. PS: the girls have both been to the doctor and are medicated/eating. For whatever reason, my brain just won’t accept that we don’t need to continue to worry. 😩 it’s a work in progress.
➡️. Quick shout out to all you real parents: I have no idea how you do it. I have never been more preoccupied by another being’s bowel movements than I have this week. Real tears have been shed, my friends. I cannot handle this kind of worry 🥺
Work is insane, the clients are impatient, and I’m struggling to keep up.
Our house is under construction, but only part time – so it’s mostly just a mess.
This weather makes me miss my horse. God, do I miss my freaking horse.
But maybe, the most tellingly anomaly to me, is the fact that this is my favorite time of year, and I have so much to be happy about and excited for, but I’m simply looking at everything in my life as a giant check mark.
✅ task complete, onto the next one.
I’ve been talking about sitting on the back porch drinking a beer and enjoying the sunshine and a good book for months. I’ve been excited to sit by my parents pool and enjoy their backyard in the spring. I’ve had events that are finally coming to fruition, that I couldn’t wait for, and now.. it’s just a task. Even the construction on our house, I have been planning for months.. and now it’s burdensome.
I’m not “present” and I hate it. This is one of my least favorite attributes that I see in myself and I can really go down a rabbit hole thinking of all the things I have missed while planning for the next big thing/event/step. It drives me crazy! I want, so badly, to slow down; enjoy the day to day, relish the moment, live for the present, (a bunch of other clichés), but I’m struggling.
The problem with not being present is that you never truly enjoy anything. You never give your full attention or heart to your passions, your daily life, or to the people and places that you love. You are always thinking about the next move to make, the next friendship to cultivate, the next accomplishment or goal to reach for, and you miss the right now. Or at least; I do.
Missing right now is exhausting in its own right, because you get stuck in a perpetual cycle of half-assmanship (or womanship). Trying hard(ish) at friendships, giving it (mostly) your all at home making. Being the best dog mom you can be, when you’re motivated. Working out and taking your fitness seriously… when it’s convenient. It’s the best way to create a goal-oriented quitter.
You will always be striving for somewhere else or something different, and even when you reach it and/accomplish those goals, you still won’t enjoy it, because you’ll already have your sights set on something else.
I created sunny daze to help keep me present. To remind myself of the sunshine: my mom visited this week, the girls ARE doing better, we finally started on our house construction, Matt and I have shared a lot of fun “jam nights” lately, I made a freaking bombtastic dinner last night, the trees are BLOOMING, the grass is soft beneath my feet. My truck and I are officially Nebraskans. My new insurance may cover my cracked windshield. My mom and I got an awesome pedicure together. I get to celebrate a dear friend’s bachelorette party tomorrow and do my first brewery tour! I have the privilege of spending the rest of the weekend relaxing with my parents. I get to take a few days off work next week to celebrate another dear friend’s marriage. Shoot, I’m even getting a break from dog duty – and Lord am i excited to sleep this weekend!
Things are good. These are not tasks. They are joy-bringers, passion-inciters, and a pivotal part of the “right now”. They deserve more than a check mark — and I deserve to get more out of the experience than another “accomplished task”.
My challenge this week (and every week), but especially this week.. is to put myself and my heart 100% into everything I do and to be present. My heart and my mind are both so much happier in a present state of mind – and I don’t want to miss out on the right now, for the maybe later. I’ve spent far too much time stuck in that frame of mind.
Sunny daze ahead, sweet friends. Be present. ❤️