Wellness — I have spent so much time trying to understand what it means to me lately. I know I have alluded to it in the past, but I’m going to be straightforward, right now.
In September, I opted to switch my anti-anxiety medications around. This was a decision that weighed heavily on my heart, but ultimately, I felt like I needed a change.
I’m pretty “in-tune” with my anxiety; after all, it is my longest, nearest, and not-at-all dearest frenemy. I have struggled with anxiety for almost as long as I can remember breathing. Medications, therapies, good times, bad times. So in September, I felt like it was time for a change. I felt ready to make a change.
It almost ruined my life. I have never been so sick, so depressed, so low, so anxious in my entire life. I honestly should have been hospitalized. I spent 3 months absolutely miserable… and I couldn’t remember why I decided a change was needed.
And being that low really does make you think… what is wellness? What does wellness mean to me?
Wellness used to mean climbing on my horse’s back, taking off at a full gallop, for as long as we both could last.
Wellness used to mean spending hours brushing her, detangling her mane, and kissing her soft spot on her nose.
Wellness used to look like walking around the Lawrence dog park with my TWO favorite girls, stopping to let Harley take a quick swim.
Wellness used to look like my home, in Lawrence, sitting on my roof, staring at the stars, and listening to the steam whistle signal class was over for the night.
I used to know what wellness looked like for me. Wellness used to seem easy.
I’ve come to realize that wellness is a choice, and it’s a choice that you have to make every.single.day. Wellness was so, so hard to see during those 3 months.
But I see wellness in taking a night to binge watch my favorite tv show, in my favorite place (bed) with my three favorite poochies.
I see wellness in mopping my floor (is there anything that makes you feel like your shit is more put together than a mopped floor?) and testing out a new recipe (I recently started testing out the instant pot.. it’s a little scary LOL)
I choose wellness by choosing to love others when I don’t feel like loving myself. By sharing phone calls, and telling stories, and setting lunch dates.
I feel wellness in sitting on my back porch, sharing a cigarello, and jamming out to Brian Davis, with Matt. Sunshine on our face, summer breeze through our hair.
Wellness looks like sharing a good meal, with good friends and good family, making memories.
I choose wellness when I let myself say no, when I remind myself to take time to me, when I remind myself to rest.
I feel wellness when I sit down to watch a game, at a favorite restaurant, and share a couple of budlights, and an appetizer or two, with my favorite guy.
I feel wellness with a good bubble bath soak, a juicy murder podcast in the background, and a glass of wine, before an early bedtime.
I feel wellness when I sit down with a good book, or to solve a puzzle with my mom, or sit down to watch dateline or go grocery shopping with my dad.
I feel wellness on lazy Saturday mornings, cuddled up with Matt and our three babies, telling stories and laughing with one another.
I’ve come to realize that wellness takes different forms on different days. Wellness changes with the times and changes with the needs. I have to be honest, I would love to have access to some of my old “wellness” techniques, but how exciting is it that the entire world is open for the pursuit of wellness?!
I plan to keep pursuing wellness, for myself, and I’ll keep you updated on what I find out. Pursue wellness, friends, we ALL deserve it.
Sunny daze ahead friends, surely. 💕