I’m not going to be sad tomorrow.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day Eve. More importantly, happy March 16th. March 16th is the day before March 17th and March 17th is a really, really special day. March 17th is Star’s birthday.. and Star is my horse.

Or.. she was. As you may remember, she’s dead now. Dead as a door nail – 100 pounds of ash stuffed in a wooden box. There’s an entire blog post dedicated to the whole chaotic catastrophe that was the end of her life, but that is not the topic for today. Today, we talk about the day she was born.

Star graced the Earth with her presence on St. Patrick’s Day, in 1996, most likely like a freight train – loud, heavy, and a force to be reckoned with. (I assume, I wasn’t there). She entered into the universe ready to show the all the cowboys and cowgirls exactly what a wild horse looked like, untethered by rules or any form of training. She spent her days demonstrating her utmost independence, her general distaste for rules, and her undeniable zest for life… and eating. She was wild, and a little spastic, and free. Star was a star in every sense of the word: beautiful, bright, hot (tempered), and easy to fixate your eyes on. She was the star of my show, the star of my entire universe, and honestly, she was the star of her own universe as well. Star loved Star, her BFF Susie, and maybe me.

Notwithstanding the foregoing, I loved her a lot. I loved her for more than half of my life, more than half of her life. We shared 15 adventure-filled years together – celebrating her birthday and ignoring every single St. Patrick’s Day, as if I am not at least 50% Irish. (šŸ˜¬, sorry grandparents – priories, ya know?) I have always loved celebrating my friends and she was no different.

So yes, tomorrow is her birthday and she won’t be here for it. But, I’m not going to be sad. Actually, there are several things that I will not be doing:

I’m not going to undermine her life. I’m not going to downplay her loss because she was an animal and animals die every day. I’m not going to tell myself “she was just a horse”, because to me, she was so much more. She was a friend and a safe place.

I’m not going to compare – I know that there are people in our world that have unfortunately lost parents, and children, and spouses. I know I am blessed that by all of life still around me. But today, I’m not going to let my many, many blessings convince me that I do not have the right be sad about her loss. I am not going compare my loss of Star to someone else’s tragic loss, or allow myself to believe that she is somehow less of a loss, because she was a horse. The enormity of her life and her impact in my life was simply too profound to reduce to “she was just a pet.”

I’m not going to feel guilty. I am not going to chastise myself for feeling like my world came crashing down with her loss sometimes, even though there are people all over world that are losing their family, friends, homes, and countries.. right this moment. I’m not going to tell myself that I have to feel guilty for missing Star and wishing she was here, because there is hardship, illness, and strife taking over the world. I am not going to let the ugliness that is the world take away from the beauty that was her life. It’s two separate topics that do not coexist in the same realm. I am going to allow myself to be sad because Star is not here, and be sad that Ukraine is under attack, and not categorize one as more heartbreaking. They are both heartbreaking, but differently heartbreaking.

I’m not going to tell myself how lucky I was to love and be loved by her as a way to take away the detriment of her absence. I refuse hold myself hostage to our 15 beautiful years together, 15 birthdays. Her life is so much further reaching than 15 years and her lifetime, and while it is true that I had 15 years with her, and 15 birthdays with her, tomorrow is her birthday and she won’t be here. Those 15 years, while amazing, don’t take away the fact that she is not here. Right now. I’m not going to tell myself that they somehow erase the pain of her loss.

She was a huge part of my life and I’m not going to feel bad that I miss that part of my life and her existence on this planet. But, I’m not going to be sad.

That would not be what she would have wanted for me, and honestly, that’s not what I want for myself. I may be nostalgic. I may be reminiscent. But I won’t be sad.

Star made me happy, she made me feel comfortable and accepted. She made me feel unique, and adventurous, and brave. I have seldom felt as in control of myself and my mind, as I did on her back. She was safe. I lost that when I lost her. I have, and always will, chase that feeling every day for the rest of natural my life. In the two and half years that she has been gone, I have yearned for this feeling again – the feeling of carefree, relaxed, bliss.

Random acts of kindness bring about this kind of joy and a Star-brand of contentment. When in doubt, Act of Kindness it out (I am so going to coin this as my personal motto)! So that’s what I have decided to do for her birthday this year – to honor her and her memory. I have an entire day of small acts of kindness planned. Being kind, and surprising others, and making people smile, exactly like Star always did for me.

So no, I’m not going to be sad. I’m going to be kind, I’m going to be brave, I am going to smile and remember all of the good memories. I’m going to chase that feeling of pure, unadulterated, joy that she always brought out of me..

and I know she’ll be right by my side, in the spirit world, probably trying to kick me or steal all the treats.

Happy birthday, Star. I am not going to lie and say I don’t wish you were here, but I am going value the time spent, the love shared, and all the messy memories in between. I’m not sad today. I love you, my baby, forever.

There are sunny daze ahead my sweet friends, EVEN tomorrow. šŸŒž

The dream team. No actually, right after this photo, she dumped my ass on the ground, in true Star fashion ā­ļø

Published by SunnyDazeAhead

Well... it's happening, due to high demand, and my monstrous ego, I've decided to blog. Simply put, I can't imagine who wouldN'T want to read my crazy antics and get to know the inner-workings of my semi-stable brain. Maybe, you'll laugh (hopefully, WITH me). Maybe you'll cry or maybe you'll get bored. It's really up to you what you take from this, all I can promise is brutal honesty, a heavy dose of sarcasm, some cuss words (I am who I am, sorry dad), and a little insanity. My mom has also recommended I share some of my recipes.. so maybe that too. The face behind the blog is... hard to put into words and words are "kinda" my thing. I am loud, I am outspoken, I am silly, I am sarcastic. I am wildly defensive of my loved ones. I have an anxious mind and I spend a LOT of time trying to keep my brain from spiraling into worst case scenarios. I work hard to keep my mind a happy, optimistic place, which I have come to realize is not my mind's natural habitat. I spend almost all my time with my three dogs: Lucy, Brantley, and Zeppelyn, who I am convinced are the greatest beings on the planet. I probably love my parents TOO much, but I am blessed to share a very close friendship with both and it is REALLY important to me that I never take that for granted. I love a boy, I have loved the same boy for years now, and I moved for him and honestly; home is where he is. Fine, his name is Matt and he is most definitely TAKEN, so back off ladies. I am a KC Native; a Jayhawk by choice, and an Omaha- Transplant. I spent my entire life telling everyone I was going to be a doctor, only to turn out to be an attorney in the scheme of things (I am proud of that, it is just not where I saw my life going). I am often convinced that I should have been born in a small town (John Cougar Mellencamp- Style) and any part of my heart not occupied by the dogs and Matt, is occupied by the late, but no less great Star, my horse/partner/best friend of 15 years. That's right, I am a former "Horse Hottie" and it is one of my favorite things about myself. Otherwise, I try to be a kind, generous, and a good person. Sometimes, I think I am misunderstood, and other times, I am understood a little too well. My face will tell you anything that I SOMEHOW manage to filter my mouth from saying. Oh, and I think I need all baby animals: zoo animals, farm animals, ALL the animals. That should pretty much wrap it up -- I'm Ashley; Enneagram: Whatever. In truth, I don't know what my mission is here. I don't foresee myself saving lives, talking people off the ledge, or providing sage, creative or original life advice. I am not a parent, so parenting-advice shall not be offered. I avoid controversial topics like the plague, I don't have the urge to lead you to the Lord (but he is pretty cool if you are open to the idea), and I have no idea on how to teach, craft, DIY, counsel, or even really advise. But I can repeat what I have learned, I can tell stories, and (sometimes) I can make people laugh. Writing makes me happy. I hope my writing makes you happy. So buckle up, strap in, glue your helmet to your damn head, empty your bladder and do whatever it is that you have to do to prepare for a ride.. a wild ride. A star-studded, bronc bucking, rodeo type of ride... my very favorite type. šŸ’ƒšŸ¼ Sunny daze ahead friends, probably. ā¤ļø

5 thoughts on “I’m not going to be sad tomorrow.

  1. Star was not just your friend, she was your family. Family doesn’t only come in a two legged version. I have had four legged versions in my life and I’m a better person because of it. Rejoice in her memory and continue to love as she taught you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is so, so true. I have always loved my four-legged babies as if they were family, because to me, they are! Trying my best to make her proud today.

      Thank you for stopping in and thank you for your words of encouragement. šŸ’•

      Liked by 1 person

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