heaviness

Everything is heavy right now. The world is just heavy. You can’t turn on the tv, or scroll through Facebook, without being reminded of that absolute terror and shambles half our world is stuck in. I mean honestly, it’s a constant stream of vaccination debates/booster debates, a seemingly never-ending list of virus variants, the contentious mask debacle, alarming death rates… and that’s just covering the COVID drama. Then we have Afghanistan, and the Taliban, and differing opinions on how the current president is handling things. Add in the anxiety for the trapped Americans, our stuck allies, and the concern for the well-being of all women and children in Afghanistan, and pretty soon, your stomach is in knots over the entire Middle East. All of that heaviness isn’t even considering poor Haiti, and the utter destruction that they are living in, since the earthquake ravaged their country. More than half of the Haitians that were displaced by the earthquake.. ARE STILL DISPLACED weeks later. Who knows if they have clean water or access to medical care?

And… if you’re like me, it’s heavy. The struggles of others and the plight of some of our fellow human beings physically HURTS my heart. Part of me feels guilty, because I am truly taking these events to heart and it is negatively impacting my mood, yet I have a home over my head, I have medical care as needed, I’m permitted (and encouraged in my country) to be educated and to have a profession. I have my independence, I am a free thinker, and I have privileges that I try to never take for granted.

And.. if you’re like me.. this guilt is just so incredibly heavy too. No one likes a person with the victim mentality — and here I am, heart hurting like I AM the victim.

I’ve come to realize, some hearts just feel more. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I do believe that there are some people who take on and grieve for others, even unknown, because that is simply the inner-workings of their soul.

Instead of feeling guilty about my heart, I’m embracing it. Instead of trying to remind myself that I have no reason to hurt and no reason to grieve, I’m letting myself feel the feelings. I am sad for all of the loss and anxiety that Covid-19 (and variants) have caused. I’m sad that Covid-19 had divided our country, that friends are being lost over vaccination statuses and mask preferences. I’m sad that some of my dearest friends have lost loved ones to this illness, and right now, the situation doesn’t seem to be improving. A solution feels so far off.. and that makes me sad.

I’m heartbroken regarding the state of affairs in Afghanistan. I think no matter what side you align politically, the situation is devastating. I’m worried for our military and our veterans, I’m worried for our military families. I hate that they are in this position and I feel so incredibly sick to my stomach imagining how they must feel. My heart breaks for our allies, who very well may be in danger now, simply for helping us for the last two decades. I’m worried for their well-being and I don’t even know them. I am absolutely crushed to read about the conditions that women and children may face in a Taliban-ran Afghanistan. Tears well up in my eyes when I think about women being afraid to go outside or destroying evidence of their hard-earned education.

The tears have openly flowed for the Haitians, because I want to be able to help, but the need for help is so much greater than me. A lump catches in my throat when I think about the displaced families, and the lost family members, and the injured or ill. I feel breathless when I think about the absolute atrocity their country is facing and what their children must be witnessing. The devastation is unimaginable, and that.. is heartbreakingly heavy.

It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be worried. Even if you are crying in your perfectly air conditioned home, that is stocked with good food and clean water, and living an absolute blessed life. For me, the trick is to feel all the feels and then… let go of the heaviness. It is not mine to carry. At least, not long term.

And carrying it around doesn’t change anything. It just causes anxiety and fatigue. It causes stomachaches and heartaches and all other kinds of aches. It causes loss of perspective, and a failure to exercise gratitude, and morale plummeting. You start to believe the worst in humanity and lose faith in what you know to be pure and true; things like love, and kindness, and equality. You lose sight of what matters, and the acts of kindness you witness, because all you can see is hatred, and heartbreak, and devastation. You forget your blessings.

Put down the weight, it’s not yours to carry. At least, it’s not solely yours to carry. Take care of your heart, friends. Feel the feelings, worry, pray, well wish, empathize, volunteer, donate, and do whatever you can to help, but don’t try to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. It’s much too heavy.

And in the meantime, I’m here for you. ❤️

Sunny daze ahead, sweet friends (probably).