The Elephant Butt

There was an elephant butthole on my kitchen wall. Smack in the center of the kitchen, a real eye catcher. But let me back up real quick..

You will never meet anyone that has worse luck than Matt and I when it comes to home projects. I thought it was just Matt, but he seems to have rubbed off on me, and now we have absolutely no hope.

It started with Bob. We hired Bob to replace all our outdated doors and trim in our house. (Side note: we have an ABSURD amount of doors in our house – like the square-footage to door ratio is WAY off).

Of course, we landed on this project right when the cost of lumber/supplies absolutely skyrocketed. So, our original quote was off – by a lot.

No worries. Shit happens. We shall move forward.

Bob missed the memo on moving forward. He took our money, and then… got a divorce, dealt with a custody battle, chopped his finger off and developed sepsis.

I only tell you all of that because that’s precisely what Bob told us for an entire year while we patiently waited for him to finish the project.

Spoiler alert: Bob never returned.

I would like to say that we discussed the whole situation reasonably and like adults, with Bob, but sepsis seems to have robbed him of his remaining rationality. Ultimately, we opted to move on – counting it as a HUGE lesson on the hiring of handymen.

A good year later, we are back in the position to hire someone to install the rest of the doors, trim, and paint the house. It’s pricier than we thought, but we wanted it done. Whatever.

Along comes Peter (not his name, but he’s a little scary). Peter talked a MAD painting game and showed us all these “past” projects he had done.. we were genuinely blown away and so excited. Plus, he provided a a contract and proof of licensure.

As you probably guessed, Peter was a bullshitter too. 🙃 unfortunately, we did not learn this before he single-handedly destroyed our new doors, painted our entire house a puke green, and rolled paint on BOTH the floor and the ceiling. I don’t even know how that happens… it seems like you should be aware of (at a minimum) either the floor or the ceiling.

But Peter’s greatest gift, his long-lasting gift.. was the elephant butthole he planted smack in the middle of the kitchen. 🐘

You are probably appalled.. and confused.

Let me explain, Peter, in all his painting glory, and as a demonstration of our newfound, yet profoundly deep friendship, decided that he was going to paint Matt and I a custom mural as a wedding gift.

Stop. Pause. 🛑 This was when we were under the impression that the portfolio of work that he showed us was, in fact, his work.

So, we were thrilled.

Unfortunately, our excitement was sorely misplaced.

First, this mural included every color of the rainbow.

Second, this mural included three-dimensional wall spackling. Our wall was literally built upon.

Third, it included spray paint… inside my house? Even I know better than that.

But anyways, Peter is BLOWN AWAY with his artistry – he can’t stop sending pictures to Matt and I during the day.

& I have to be honest, I wasn’t having a lot of luck visualizing the final product – or how this was going to suddenly turn into beautiful art. But, I thought maybe my own lack of creativity was causing some sort of skewed view of this mural and I was missing something. Because this guy is, for real, freaking out about this awesome mural that he was painting.

Matt and I could not even make eye contact while discussing the “wall” with Peter. It’s unknown at this time if we would have burst out laughing, cussed him out, or burst into tears – but all reactions were not going to match his excitement. We opted to stay quiet.

Notwithstanding the foregoing, Matt and I are STILL thinking about his portfolio and all the cool stuff he had showed us. Without a doubt, this was step one in the wall and things would be dramatically turning around.

Things got dramatic, but the wall did not get dramatically better.

Peter painted an elephant butthole right in the center of our island. 🙃 it’s a little abstract, but it’s there. It’s the Van Gogh of buttholes.

Or, if you share the same artistic mind as my mother, he painted an entire uterus and fallopian tubes – dead center of our kitchen. Anatomically, it was decently accurate, but it spoils the appetite every time.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Peter has never painted – like in his whole life. By this time, he had made a huge mess of our entire house and paint was everywhere; floor, ceiling, appliances, light sockets, door knobs. You name it and I can promise it was covered in paint in our house.

I feel very confidently that Lucy, the dog, would be a better painter. So, we decided to immediately terminate that contract, even if it meant we wouldn’t get our money back or a finished project.

Again, we are out thousands of dollars, we have MAYBE one request fulfilled out of the entire project, and there’s an elephant asshole/fallopian tubes in the middle of our kitchen.

Y’all, I cannot make this up. You can laugh.

For this reason ⬆️, and Bob, and Sepsis, and missing fingers and Peter and rogue painting rolls and INDOOR SPRAY PAINT, I have determined that Matt and I have the worst luck when it comes to home projects. I feel strongly that you will agree – we should just stop trying now.

So, that’s the story of how I ended up with an elephant butthole, in my kitchen, as a wedding gift. 🤷🏻‍♀️ SEE, it really isn’t all sunshine and rainbows over here. Sometimes it’s female anatomy and elephant private parts.

Honestly, it’s been like that for six months. It is only now, after my father-in-law sanded down and repainted the wall for us that I feel it is safe to admit this misfortune. Truly, thank god for father-in-laws, he has fixed it all ❤️

LEARN FROM ME – please. I don’t even know what lesson to take from this story. I want to say that the lesson is to not trust anyone and art doesn’t exist – but I know that’s not the truth. This was just one heck of a let down that created one hell of a story. It’s not every day that you can say you have a butthole on your wall. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sunny daze ahead sweet friends, I just know it! Protect those walls. 🌞